40cakes | I'm a Gamer, Bitch, and I eat people like you before class

In my previous post, I posted a link to some neanderthal woman whining about video games and how her boyfriend prefers lusting after Volleyball Babes instead of giving her lovin'. I can't imagine why, she seems like such a pleasant, open-minded intellectual. I responded to her through e-mail.

> Note: If you are a male between the ages of 7 and 27 you should stop
> reading this immediately.

Don't worry about it. According to you, anyone in that age group is so far down on the evolutionary ladder thanks to video games, they can't read anyway.

> It is inundated with harsh language and disturbing realizations that
> quite possibly could be warped by the male mind to resemble the
> racket created when a set of freshly filed fingernails runs slowly
> down a chalkboard. If you choose to continue, remember, you were
> given fair warning.

I do not have a male mind, nor am I disturbed by that sound. In fact, I'm the one who usually makes that sound to keep everyone in line at meetings. And trust me, no warping is needed for your article to be irritating.

> I HATE VIDEO GAMES!

Cool. I hate people who make sweeping gender generalizations and write uninformed articles.

> Video games will someday be the downfall of our culture. They are a
> hindrance to progress, a blight on intellectual capacity and a slap
> in the face to those who have worked so hard to bring the human race
> to where it is today. And I hate them.

Yeah, I know. Those computer geniuses who work hard to create virtual fantasy worlds are real dumbasses. And video games are to blame for the downfall of civilization, not poor schooling, a bad economy, and the breakdown of the family unit from a loss of national moral values.

> Let's look back to the good ol' days, before Playstation, Xbox and
> Game Cube - back to a time before "Tony Hawk Pro Skater," "Dynasty
> Warriors" and "Mario Cart." Imagine, if possible, a world where the
> male gender held some dignity.

You mean the days of Super Nintendo, Sega Saturn, and the Atari Jaguar? Or the days of the NES, Game Boy, Neo Geo, and Sega Master System? Or the days of Intellevision, the Atari 2600, and the ColecoVision? The days of Pong, perhaps?

> Young boys would climb trees, catch bugs and play baseball in the
> street. They would come home after innumerable hours of riding bikes,
> swimming in the river and terrorizing their sisters. They had skinned
> knees, dirty faces and smiles. They were socially competent,
> physically fit and on a natural high from fresh air and warm summer
> sun. Imagine.

I did all that as a young GIRL. And at night, when I couldn't go outside, I'd settle down in front of the big screen and play Legend of Zelda. On rainy days, I'd invite friends over and we'd play Super Mario Kart. If I was by myself, I'd be entertained by Tetris. And when I got tired of playing, I'd curl into bed with a good book.

> If you're like me, it is becoming increasingly difficult to find such
> young men. Rather than the beautiful boys of old, we live among video
> game drones. They play them for hours on end - alone, with a friend,
> with hundreds of people on the Internet. They play war games, car
> games, sports games.
> They sit in front of TV and computer screens, starved for fresh air,
> social interaction and exercise.

We all have hobbies. We'll assume that you didn't write this article on a laptop outside while jogging with a group of friends.

> The ubiquitous video game plague does not discriminate based on age
> or maturity.

Though you seem to think it discriminates based on gender.

> From my 12-year-old younger brother to my boyfriend and his friends -
> whose ages extend beyond the teens - video games have tainted them
> all. Addictive video games have been stealing away the minds and
> money of our cherished young men.

Before video games, men and boys spent thousands of dollars on cars. Or are you saying your boyfriend doesn't spend enough money on you?

> Oh, there are those unfortunate young women out there who have fallen
> into the trap as well.

Oh how forlorn am I. Won't some hero save me from the trap of video games. Swoon.

> However, I must say that I know not one boy who does not play video
> games on a regular basis or who would pass up the opportunity to if
> it were offered. My female gaming friends are few and far between.

That first sentence was awkwardly worded. And what's your point with this paragraph, anyway? Video games are just a plight for boys, not girls? Since there aren't many girl gamers, they don't matter?

> I must admit, I've tried them, once or twice. You can call it
> curiosity or you can call it stupidity. But I've played them in an
> attempt to "get in touch with my masculine side" and to understand
> where the boys are coming from: "Halo," "NCAA March Madness 2003"
> and "Grand Theft Auto."

That's cute. The "masculine side" part. I mean really, a woman can only cook, clean, and please her man for so long before she wants to beat the shit out of monsters and save princesses.

> I was not impressed.

I know, your article really doesn't seem to have much of a point to me, either.

> They stimulated little to no brain activity and left me throwing the
> controller across the room. I felt like I needed to go run 10 miles
> to make up for the half hour I'd wasted sitting on the couch and
> yelling at inanimate objects.

Heh. You totally sucked, ne?

> If there are any males who are still reading, there remains an
> opportunity to redeem yourselves. For the sake of yourself and your
> gender, please, I beg you: Put down the controller!

You should have added: "And for the women still reading, I apologize if anyone thinks you're all as dull as I am!"

You speak of a once upon a time when boys didn't play video games, and spent all their time outside. Should you include that once upon a time, women weren't supposed to write? That women took male pen names so they could be printed or published? That less than 100 years ago, women were forbidden to vote? That they were only expected to sew, cook, marry, and have children? I know there are those today who insist we should go back to those times. "Letting women learn to read is a disaster."

Times change. Technology changes. Many said the same things about television when it first arrived in homes. Your article seems to be based less on research and fact, and more on stereotypes and sweeping generalizations. Once upon a time, life was like Leave It To Beaver; now it's like Penny Arcade. You don't like video games, but your boy friends do. Whine, whine, complain, they should be spending more time paying attention to you.

I recommend that next time a topic you know nothing about comes up, you avoid it. You seem to be a decent writer, but awful with the research (it's Super Mario Kart, not Mario Cart. Details count with geeks). Besides, anyone who loves video games has heard the "video games ruin society" argument a thousand times over. In fact, you've forgotten to add that video games make us all violent cavepersons who are firearms experts.

C.C., college student de New Jersey

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"Writing is like prostitution. First you do it for the love of it, and then you do it for a few friends, and finally, you do it for the money."
- Moliére