The ONE Part of Me That's Not Blindingly White

[40cakes]

So between the photos at last week's company party and last night's conference drinks, I realized I REALLY need to do something about the color of my teeth. I've used Rembrandt's little whitening kit before and it seemed to do all of nada, zero, and zilch. And I sat with that shit for two hours. I brush with whitening toothpaste. I don't smoke or drink coffee, and get plenty of calcium. I don't have the money for a $500 tooth bleaching, either. Any help?