Vibrator Essay of DOOM
Jun. 9th, 2005 08:22 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
40cakesHokay. Ssso.
Someone on my friends list was asking for vibrator advice, and I was all, sure I can offer some advice! And then I wrote a friggin essay. So I figured I'd post it here for posterity, and in case any of y'all wanna learn something/wanna add something/wanna point other people in this direction because you don't feel like talking to them about masturbation.
Any sex shoppe worth its lube will not send you a box with "PENIS" written on it in big letters. Really. They all have cover names on the return labels. If I recall correctly, Good Vibes' name is "Open, Inc." (Snicker.)
If you're ever in the New York or Seattle area, I recommend going out and visiting Toys in Babeland. It's very female friendly, and everything is just out on the shelves so you can check it out before buying (no, not like that, but so you can turn them on and guess "Ew, I wouldn't like that," or "EEEEEE, that's what I NEED!"). Or, if you're still suspicious of buying online, if you see something on their website that you like, Paypal me money, and I will gladly go buy something for you. Really. Any excuse to go in that store. Though I'm a horrid bitch, so while actual sex shoppes will be discreet in their mailings, I might actually send you a box with "PENIS" written on it in big red letters.
As a basic, basic, basic bit of advice, you gotta learn to crawl before you learn to walk. Know what you like on your own before figuring out what you want in a machine. Though I read the comments and you sound like you know what you want. Aiight, then.
==
Material
What it's made of is just as important as what it does. Silicon is certainly the most expensive, but I have a friend who bought a silicon vibe and she said there's no goin' back. (I don't have one, so I can't personally vouch for this.) Silicon is also easier to clean and thus more hygienic. Plastic is also easy to clean, however, it makes your vibes feel more rigid. Jelly seems to be the most "natural-feeling," but it's porous and difficult to keep really clean. If you get one of those - I know it sounds bizarre - use a condom with it. It makes life easier. Pyrex is also expensive, but they're pretty (and make for a helluva conversation piece) and you can boil them when you're done, making them VERY hygienic. Also, omg can make cold or hot very easily like whoa.
And while we're on the subject: power! Battery-operated vibes come in all shapes and sizes. Some are so small, they use watch batteries. Of course, if you're rather active, you might want to end up investing in rechargeable batteries, because regular batteries are expensive, dammit. There are also models that plug into the wall, but that means you have to be near an outlet, and these are also usually a bit louder and harder to hide. (However, before I make them sound like they are all teh suck, the Hitachi Magic Wand is a perennial favourite, and it jacks in before jacking off.)
==
As You Like It
Now that that's all cleared up, what do you want? No matter what it is, trust me, someone's created something just for you. Are you looking for waterproof, to take in the shower or tub? Hands-free? Remote controlled? G-spot? Clitoris? Anal? A little of each? Something tiny that travels well? Something that can easily be disguised in your home as a knick-knack?
If you're looking for something strictly clitoral, I recommend the basic bullet. It also works well paired with a tickler. I have the bunny. Because "OMG it's so cute, it's a bunny!" and "OMG YES YES THE BUNNY!!!!" The downside of this one is that you do indeed get what you pay for, and though this is a cheap'un, it breaks down easily. Though apparently, you can get replacement bullets through Goodvibes.com.
A good deal of people heartily recommend the Rabbit Habit, and although I don't have one myself, it's not hard to see why it's popular. It penetrates, it stimulates, it swivels, it's...upwards of eighty dollars?! I know. But to hear 'em talk, it's worth it. I have a knockoff that is apparently so unpopular, I can't find it on a website anymore. It swivels around LIKE the rabbit, but lacks the pearls. I think the pearls must be the big draw on this one. Well, in addition to that little shaky rabbit up against your clit, too.
If you're looking for something underwater, I recommend the Blueberry Buzz. I suggest you take a dry test drive (not too dry - ouch!) first, to make sure the battery casing doesn't come loose as you use it. Because that's the sort of thing you don't want to find out once you're already in the shower.
If you ain't nuthin' but a G-spot thang, there's no end to the assortment of things for you. If you don't know, the G-spot is that little ridge of nerves about two inches inside your vagina, against the front-facing wall. Most women really really enjoy it, some don't. I prefer my G-spot vibrator come attached to a man, as mine seems to have pretty good angles. However, mine was limited edition, and you can't have it. But you can have something basic, or something...not so basic.
It also comes down to location. Are you more of a shower person? Go with the waterproof vibes. Or get a Waterpik. Mm, Waterpik. Do you want something you can travel with (if you're trying to join the Mile High Club all by your lonesome)? There's a veritable array of discreet toys at your disposal. Though remember what we all learned in Fight Club: modern bombs don't tick; they vibrate. So keep it in your carry-on. It's easier to explain to the not-so-nice woman at security that you've brought a "massager" in your purse than it is to show up at your destination to be greeted by officers, and no luggage.
Where was I? Oh, right - where are you? If you know the internet is great (for porn), then you definitely should stick with this little number. It plugs directly into your USB port - no batteries! Warning: it may not look like it, but this is one strong lil' mofo. It has two settings, lo and hi, and lo may be a little too hi for some not used to such mechanical stimulation. (As for me, my clit's made of steel by this point. I keep a jackhammer in the corner.) Do you prefer the comfort of your own bed? Is that bed near an outlet, and not near anyone who might hear through the walls? Then, my friend, plug it in, plug it in.
==
"Mom, That's Just A...Massager. ...That I'm Holding Onto For A Friend. I Swear."
You'd be surprised how many parents would be perfectly accepting of your sex toys and porn. Of course, acceptance doesn't necessarily mean it's a conversation you want to broach. And Hell, a lot of us live with roommates that we aren't that close to. So where do you put your toys away?
Some people like to keep things underbed, or in a sock or underwear drawer. To each their own. I recommend somewhere where your toy will stay clean and lint-free (ESPECIALLY if it's made of jelly), so if you want to keep it there, keep the original packaging to store everything. We all have shoeboxes lying around (and if you don't, go buy a new pair of shoes that match your shiny new vibe! Hooray!) - decorate one with some cutesy wrapping paper, and make it your new storage spot. (And if you're buying vibrators that are bigger than your feet...well, more power to ya, sister. You just might not want to let any men see your toys, lest they feel threatened and some sort of weird animal kingdom thing goes down.) I keep mine in a decorative hatbox that matches another hatbox full of perfectly innocent bills and pay stubs. So if someone is curious and I don't feel like sharing, they'll look inside the first one, think "Oh. So that's what's in here," and move along. If you're trying to hide your stash, the key is to hide things in something that blends in. If your room is Martha Stewart, and then you've got a box straight from Hot Topic on your bookshelf, guess what makes everyone curious the second they come over? Similarly, if your room is all darks and blacks and reds, but you've got a pastel hatbox in the corner...
Then again, if you're less concerned about subtlety and care more about just having a place to put stuff when it's not in use, you have options, too. Bust.com offers Tricky the Vibe Cozy, a cute lil' monster-lookin' pouch for safekeeping. The Treasure Pillows are a little expensive for what is essentially a pillow with a zipper pocket, but they're stylish, and they really do hide everything well. And TiB offers a pretty Toy Box that holds a few things.
==
A Spoonful of Lubricant...
If you're happy with your vibe, things should be going fine down under. But sometimes there are extenuating circumstances and things just aren't flowing. Pick a lube you like (Astroglide is a popular brand, and I give it a hearty thumbs-up. Jury's still out on KY warming liquid, as it seems to irritate some). Despite the section header, just a dab'll do ya. You ideally want to just help yourself get a head start, not flood the place. If you're just starting out with your first vaginal vibe, you may want to pick some up to help...ease the transition.
Also, make sure to clean everything after each use. Most adult stores sell "Sex Toy Cleaner", but soap and water is really all you need. Obviously, don't wash it down while it's still plugged in, or make sure the battery case is screwed on tight, and try not to get the motor parts wet.
Unless you're using pretty regularly, take out batteries between uses. Even if it's just removing one battery so that nothing accidentally switches on, it'll save some battery life, which, as I mentioned before, is precious.
Finally? Don't take masturbation so seriously. If you can't have fun having sex with yourself, who ARE you going to have fun with? If you don't like masturbation, it doesn't make you some hideous freak - it just places you in a possible minority. Relax, take your time, and if at first you don't succeed, try putting a pillow under your butt for a different angle.
It kinda goes without saying this essay and the links aren't worksafe, ne? Ne.
=^..^=
ETA: Some people have asked if they can link, quote, direct their flists to this. The answer is a resounding YES! I'm typically not afraid of TMI, and intentionally left this public so any passing traveler could check it out. I'm also open to suggestions from any part of the internet from those who know more than I. (Not that I don't love the comments asking for permission, I'm just too damn lazy to reply to them all XD)
ETA 2: And people who know more than I ARE leaving comments! So when you're done reading, scroll and check out what they've said!
Someone on my friends list was asking for vibrator advice, and I was all, sure I can offer some advice! And then I wrote a friggin essay. So I figured I'd post it here for posterity, and in case any of y'all wanna learn something/wanna add something/wanna point other people in this direction because you don't feel like talking to them about masturbation.
Any sex shoppe worth its lube will not send you a box with "PENIS" written on it in big letters. Really. They all have cover names on the return labels. If I recall correctly, Good Vibes' name is "Open, Inc." (Snicker.)
If you're ever in the New York or Seattle area, I recommend going out and visiting Toys in Babeland. It's very female friendly, and everything is just out on the shelves so you can check it out before buying (no, not like that, but so you can turn them on and guess "Ew, I wouldn't like that," or "EEEEEE, that's what I NEED!"). Or, if you're still suspicious of buying online, if you see something on their website that you like, Paypal me money, and I will gladly go buy something for you. Really. Any excuse to go in that store. Though I'm a horrid bitch, so while actual sex shoppes will be discreet in their mailings, I might actually send you a box with "PENIS" written on it in big red letters.
As a basic, basic, basic bit of advice, you gotta learn to crawl before you learn to walk. Know what you like on your own before figuring out what you want in a machine. Though I read the comments and you sound like you know what you want. Aiight, then.
==
Material
What it's made of is just as important as what it does. Silicon is certainly the most expensive, but I have a friend who bought a silicon vibe and she said there's no goin' back. (I don't have one, so I can't personally vouch for this.) Silicon is also easier to clean and thus more hygienic. Plastic is also easy to clean, however, it makes your vibes feel more rigid. Jelly seems to be the most "natural-feeling," but it's porous and difficult to keep really clean. If you get one of those - I know it sounds bizarre - use a condom with it. It makes life easier. Pyrex is also expensive, but they're pretty (and make for a helluva conversation piece) and you can boil them when you're done, making them VERY hygienic. Also, omg can make cold or hot very easily like whoa.
And while we're on the subject: power! Battery-operated vibes come in all shapes and sizes. Some are so small, they use watch batteries. Of course, if you're rather active, you might want to end up investing in rechargeable batteries, because regular batteries are expensive, dammit. There are also models that plug into the wall, but that means you have to be near an outlet, and these are also usually a bit louder and harder to hide. (However, before I make them sound like they are all teh suck, the Hitachi Magic Wand is a perennial favourite, and it jacks in before jacking off.)
==
As You Like It
Now that that's all cleared up, what do you want? No matter what it is, trust me, someone's created something just for you. Are you looking for waterproof, to take in the shower or tub? Hands-free? Remote controlled? G-spot? Clitoris? Anal? A little of each? Something tiny that travels well? Something that can easily be disguised in your home as a knick-knack?
If you're looking for something strictly clitoral, I recommend the basic bullet. It also works well paired with a tickler. I have the bunny. Because "OMG it's so cute, it's a bunny!" and "OMG YES YES THE BUNNY!!!!" The downside of this one is that you do indeed get what you pay for, and though this is a cheap'un, it breaks down easily. Though apparently, you can get replacement bullets through Goodvibes.com.
A good deal of people heartily recommend the Rabbit Habit, and although I don't have one myself, it's not hard to see why it's popular. It penetrates, it stimulates, it swivels, it's...upwards of eighty dollars?! I know. But to hear 'em talk, it's worth it. I have a knockoff that is apparently so unpopular, I can't find it on a website anymore. It swivels around LIKE the rabbit, but lacks the pearls. I think the pearls must be the big draw on this one. Well, in addition to that little shaky rabbit up against your clit, too.
If you're looking for something underwater, I recommend the Blueberry Buzz. I suggest you take a dry test drive (not too dry - ouch!) first, to make sure the battery casing doesn't come loose as you use it. Because that's the sort of thing you don't want to find out once you're already in the shower.
If you ain't nuthin' but a G-spot thang, there's no end to the assortment of things for you. If you don't know, the G-spot is that little ridge of nerves about two inches inside your vagina, against the front-facing wall. Most women really really enjoy it, some don't. I prefer my G-spot vibrator come attached to a man, as mine seems to have pretty good angles. However, mine was limited edition, and you can't have it. But you can have something basic, or something...not so basic.
It also comes down to location. Are you more of a shower person? Go with the waterproof vibes. Or get a Waterpik. Mm, Waterpik. Do you want something you can travel with (if you're trying to join the Mile High Club all by your lonesome)? There's a veritable array of discreet toys at your disposal. Though remember what we all learned in Fight Club: modern bombs don't tick; they vibrate. So keep it in your carry-on. It's easier to explain to the not-so-nice woman at security that you've brought a "massager" in your purse than it is to show up at your destination to be greeted by officers, and no luggage.
Where was I? Oh, right - where are you? If you know the internet is great (for porn), then you definitely should stick with this little number. It plugs directly into your USB port - no batteries! Warning: it may not look like it, but this is one strong lil' mofo. It has two settings, lo and hi, and lo may be a little too hi for some not used to such mechanical stimulation. (As for me, my clit's made of steel by this point. I keep a jackhammer in the corner.) Do you prefer the comfort of your own bed? Is that bed near an outlet, and not near anyone who might hear through the walls? Then, my friend, plug it in, plug it in.
==
"Mom, That's Just A...Massager. ...That I'm Holding Onto For A Friend. I Swear."
You'd be surprised how many parents would be perfectly accepting of your sex toys and porn. Of course, acceptance doesn't necessarily mean it's a conversation you want to broach. And Hell, a lot of us live with roommates that we aren't that close to. So where do you put your toys away?
Some people like to keep things underbed, or in a sock or underwear drawer. To each their own. I recommend somewhere where your toy will stay clean and lint-free (ESPECIALLY if it's made of jelly), so if you want to keep it there, keep the original packaging to store everything. We all have shoeboxes lying around (and if you don't, go buy a new pair of shoes that match your shiny new vibe! Hooray!) - decorate one with some cutesy wrapping paper, and make it your new storage spot. (And if you're buying vibrators that are bigger than your feet...well, more power to ya, sister. You just might not want to let any men see your toys, lest they feel threatened and some sort of weird animal kingdom thing goes down.) I keep mine in a decorative hatbox that matches another hatbox full of perfectly innocent bills and pay stubs. So if someone is curious and I don't feel like sharing, they'll look inside the first one, think "Oh. So that's what's in here," and move along. If you're trying to hide your stash, the key is to hide things in something that blends in. If your room is Martha Stewart, and then you've got a box straight from Hot Topic on your bookshelf, guess what makes everyone curious the second they come over? Similarly, if your room is all darks and blacks and reds, but you've got a pastel hatbox in the corner...
Then again, if you're less concerned about subtlety and care more about just having a place to put stuff when it's not in use, you have options, too. Bust.com offers Tricky the Vibe Cozy, a cute lil' monster-lookin' pouch for safekeeping. The Treasure Pillows are a little expensive for what is essentially a pillow with a zipper pocket, but they're stylish, and they really do hide everything well. And TiB offers a pretty Toy Box that holds a few things.
==
A Spoonful of Lubricant...
If you're happy with your vibe, things should be going fine down under. But sometimes there are extenuating circumstances and things just aren't flowing. Pick a lube you like (Astroglide is a popular brand, and I give it a hearty thumbs-up. Jury's still out on KY warming liquid, as it seems to irritate some). Despite the section header, just a dab'll do ya. You ideally want to just help yourself get a head start, not flood the place. If you're just starting out with your first vaginal vibe, you may want to pick some up to help...ease the transition.
Also, make sure to clean everything after each use. Most adult stores sell "Sex Toy Cleaner", but soap and water is really all you need. Obviously, don't wash it down while it's still plugged in, or make sure the battery case is screwed on tight, and try not to get the motor parts wet.
Unless you're using pretty regularly, take out batteries between uses. Even if it's just removing one battery so that nothing accidentally switches on, it'll save some battery life, which, as I mentioned before, is precious.
Finally? Don't take masturbation so seriously. If you can't have fun having sex with yourself, who ARE you going to have fun with? If you don't like masturbation, it doesn't make you some hideous freak - it just places you in a possible minority. Relax, take your time, and if at first you don't succeed, try putting a pillow under your butt for a different angle.
It kinda goes without saying this essay and the links aren't worksafe, ne? Ne.
=^..^=
ETA: Some people have asked if they can link, quote, direct their flists to this. The answer is a resounding YES! I'm typically not afraid of TMI, and intentionally left this public so any passing traveler could check it out. I'm also open to suggestions from any part of the internet from those who know more than I. (Not that I don't love the comments asking for permission, I'm just too damn lazy to reply to them all XD)
ETA 2: And people who know more than I ARE leaving comments! So when you're done reading, scroll and check out what they've said!
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 01:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 01:28 am (UTC)Deleted and reposted due to my inability to close a tag.
Date: 2005-06-10 01:35 am (UTC)The store shipped very quickly and was very discreet (I share a credit card with my dad...) and I do recommend them in general.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 02:22 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 03:48 pm (UTC)=^..^=
no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 12:35 am (UTC)You're welcome to join us at
no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 03:44 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 06:28 am (UTC)XD can I metaquote that?
no subject
Date: 2005-06-10 03:48 pm (UTC)=^..^=
no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 01:56 am (UTC)And, wow, fantastic! Best writeup I've ever seen. I'll be keeping the information - and links! - in mind next time I'm a-shopping ;)
no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 02:48 am (UTC)More people on my friendslist need to be
horrified byeducated to new vibratory possibilities.(Actually, they should be used to it by now, it's just that they always act so surprised whenever I post something like this...Heh.)
no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 03:49 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 04:11 am (UTC)I'm giving a hearty NO on this one. yes, I sell sex toys for a living, and yes, I'm always looking for an upsell, and yes, the toy cleaners are a good one. But to prove it I washed one toy with soap and water and the other with the cleaner and you betcha, the one with soap and water started to deteriorate alot faster, after a few weeks there were growing cracks and crevices that I can only imagine bacteria having a field day in.
So really, it's worth it for both your health and the health of your toys to invest in a bottle of the cleaner.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 03:26 pm (UTC)Not trying to argue, just curious so I can add it on to the tips.
=^..^=
no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 08:32 pm (UTC)The particular toy I used was made out of a fairly soft silicone, it was a C ring made out of silicone. I wonder if the condom you use helps deter breakdown? can't really use a condom with a c-ring. I'll probably be trying the same experiment with a toy of a different material at some point.
no subject
Date: 2005-06-11 06:18 am (UTC)I would second the comment above about soap and water not being sufficient if you have the jelly kind of vibe, particularly if said vibe is one you insert. The jelly is much too porous and soap and water doesn't sterilize it enough. (No joke -- I actually passed an infection onto my toy, and then because the soap and water was all I was using, it didn't clean it well enough and my toy actually passed it back to me. My doctor explained that that's what happened -- when she stopped laughing.)
Another recommendation is the same for when you're using the organic model -- use a condom on it. A fresh one every time. Yeah, you go through a lot of condoms, but it's a 100% effective way of keeping your toys clean.
Wandering in from Metaquotes...
Date: 2005-06-11 07:51 pm (UTC)My only potential addition to the essay: Scent! I don't like the smell of rubber or jelly toys. It's like fucking a petroleum-processing plant. There may be those who get off on such an idea, but I'm not one of them.
Thanks again for writing it!
no subject
Date: 2005-06-14 04:09 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2005-07-16 04:16 am (UTC)Out of curiosity, do you know fany vibe that's very very quiet? I'm going to be moving into a dorm in the fall and while I have no intention to get down with mah bad self in my roomates'...it's always good to be on the safe side of embarassment.