If you flaunt it, they will come.

[40cakes]

Really good advice for the single from Tomato Nation.

Dear Sarah,

Here I was getting ready to write my first ever letter to a stranger for advice, and you have already addressed the issue.

I will skip the part where I am kissing your ass, as it seems that others before me have done a fine job. But I really do appreciate your sense of the absurd.

Um, so I was writing because of exactly what you have addressed in "All the Wrong Places." Like you, I am a great catch. I am 30, attractive, well-read, height-weight proportionate, blah blah, all that. Hell, I even have Direct TV. Unlike you, I live in a city much smaller than NY. Problem is, it seems impossible to meet any boys that I would even consider having a crush on. As much as I hate people who go out for the sole purpose of finding a mate, I'm starting to feel a little desperate here.

Yes, I am a complete and happy person without a man. I know that. But complete and happy people need sex, too. And not just sex. I've done that, and it was scary, and I'm not going to do that anymore.

I, too, once placed a personal ad. It was supposed to be a joke, but I ended up checking to see who was interested every couple of hours. I was honest in my ad. That meant I got about three responses, two of which were out of state and the only thing in the descriptions were "Christian" and "looking for a wife." Good God. Then I was reading the descriptions of the guys for entertainment and recognized someone I know. So I freaked out and took my description off.

So, any ideas on how to meet boys without being one of those desperate girls who go out looking for boys?

Signed,
No Sex in the (small) City


--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Dear No Sex,

Well, as I've said many times before in this space, the key is not to go out To Meet Boys. The key is to Go Out.

And by Go Out, I don't just mean dolling yourself up on the weekends and sitting around in bars or dance clubs or at poetry readings or arranged attractively on a blanket in the park. I mean something larger when I say Go Out. I mean live your life; I mean do your thing.

God, I sound like Lawrence Ferlinghetti. Okay, let's try this again.

I don't have the first idea what appeals to men, in general or about me specifically. My attempts at "flirting" have amused countless third-party observers while at the same time failing all objective tests of subtlety, finesse, and aptitude. The part of my X-chromosome that's supposed to lock boys into my tractor beam got bent during shipping, and I've never bothered to send it back for a replacement part. But now and then a boy looks at me and thinks, "Yeah, that's the stuff." Maybe it's my sense of humor, maybe it's my nose ring or my Kim Carnes voice, maybe he likes a girl with an ass that's flat and lumpy at the same time -- I just don't know. But I do think a big part of it is that I don't try very hard, because -- well, "try" to do what, exactly? I don't know how to treat men differently from women, and that's not good or bad, really. It's just the facts. Every person I meet gets more or less the same Sarah -- drinking beer, fussing with the ashtray, throwing out her best material because she's a little bit shy around new people.

I hate having to say things like this, because 1) they're cheesy generalizations and 2) as such they don't really help, but really, it's the truth -- you just have to stop trying. I mean, not the "turn your face to the wall and wait for death" kind of "stop trying," but the "I've made my peace with my life as it is, and if it's me, the Hitachi Magic Wand, and a few lurid fantasies about taking on Paul Rudd and William Fichtner at the same time, then so be it" kind of "stop trying." Well, theoretically. I don't even own a vibrator. [cough] Gee, will you look at the time?

Okay, seriously. Have faith. Just putter around in your life and get introduced to people now and then and don't worry to much about how your eyeliner looks or whether he's going to make fun of you for owning a Blink-182 CD. As I've said before, it's all about negative capability. Right now, you're free. Anything or anyone could happen to you, and that's usually a good thing.

Comments

[rosehiptea.livejournal.com]

I don't know how to treat men differently from women, and that's not good or bad, really. It's just the facts.

That is so me. All this "Men Are From Mars, Women Are From the Crab Nebula" stuff gets right up my nose. Or perhaps I'm reading into this.

But I'm single now, sort of, so I should pay attention...

[sarahtheboring.livejournal.com]

yay. just yay. See, I used to think this kind of thing was crap ("don't people hang out in bars all the time and say 'hey baby what's your sign,' or something?"), but it makes sense. Because that's what makes you interesting to people - having your own life and doing your own thing. And call it denial if you want, but seeing singledom as a normal state and not a dire and fatal lack of something makes life a lot more pleasant. It doesn't shut you off from the possibility of hooking up; it just makes the meantime worth living. For some people the meantime is not worth living, and that's unfortunate.

anyway. heart that column. am slowly making way through archives. ...rather than doing what I should be doing.

[fadingembers.livejournal.com]

If you get a chance, read this one, too. She places a personal ad online. In the name of science, of course.

>^..^

[sarahtheboring.livejournal.com]

Oh my, this is good. And scary.

[divinya9.livejournal.com]

I'm kinda glad I read this. Though for now, entering college will be enough to make me forget about lacking a guy.